Getting the Characters Right
by Asphyxiatedmuse
Summary: A collection of episodes involving a crazy talk show, therapy sessions, and anything imaginable! HPRW, DMHG, SSFD, and other pairings vary, SLASH, my smiley faces are cut in half


**A/N: Don't worry, I'm still working on B-CW! I've just hit a bit of a happy snag. If anyone has any ideas on what I should write, feel free to review or PM me. This contains any warning you've ever heard of and you should proceed with caution. This was written by me and my friend Lexi (who is Selene) and we're very warped. Okay? Okay! Maybe later on I'll write some therapy sessions or something. Later!**

**- Muse**

* * *

**Episode 1: Harry Potter**

Chanta: Welcome one and all to 'GET THE CHARACTERS RIGHT!' Where we interview various characters from various books at our pleasure. Please welcome: the cast of Harry Potter!

-silence-

Selene: Erm…she said 'Harry Potter!'…

-silence-

Selene: Ok then…why don't we just bring them out then, Chanta?

Chanta: Yeah…anyway…Harry Potter!

-applause-

Chanta: -.-' Cedric Diggory

-cheers, claps, deafening applause-

Chanta: -- Hermione Granger

Crickets: -chirp! Chirp!-

Selene: Draco Malfoy!

-screams and applause-

Selene: Who will not be here till the end of the show!

-boos-

Harry: What!? My love- -I mean, thank god that little prick won't be here 'til later.

Chanta: o- Anyone else, Selene?

Selene: Oh yes! There is also Victor Krum!

-applause, screams from women-

Selene: What is your probs?! He is NOT cute! Anyway, Snivi- I mean Severs Snape!  
-silence; one guy shouts "yay!"-

Selene: ' And Phlegm err I mean Flur Dely!

-wild screams from guys, all the women hiss and boo-

Chanta: Great. Let's get started! Just cause I can do that, I've got a question for Snape.

Harry, Cedric and Hermy: What!?

Chanta: Shush! Snape, do you ever wash your hair?

Snape: I'll tell you I do! I washed my hair October 22, 1983!! is proud

Selene: o.o 1983!!?? Eeeeewww…. I have a question! Hermione, why haven't you and Ron gotten together and made little Hermiones and Rons?

Hermy: -pales- O.O

Chanta: Answer us, Hermy-on.

Hermy: Because…um…I'm still a virgin.

Chanta: What? Didn't catch that.

Selene: You're a German? I thought you were British!

Fluer: Zhe zaid dat she iz a VIRGIN! –very loud-

Hermy: -looks like she can't breathe-

Cedric and Harry: -falls over laughing-

Chanta: -laughcoughhack- So…Fleur…how's the sex?

Fluer: Zex? What zex? BILL NEVER GIVES ME SEX!!

Selene: What happened to your accent?! O.o

Chanta: F'real. oo

Harry: If Bill never fucks you…why'd you marry him?

Cedric: -notices something- -gasp!- And why are you pregnant?!

Chanta, Hermy and Harry: O.O'  
Fluer: -pales- Pregnant? I do not know wat you mean!!

Selene: Ooooh! Who's the baby's daddy?

Snape: -is unusually quiet-

Selene: What's wrong Snape?

Snape: NOTHING!! SHE FORCED HERSELF ON ME!! –starts crying- I'm a victim of rape!! She told me she'd be gentle but she wasn't!! I wouldn't stop!!

Everyone: -twitch-

Chanta: That's something I really didn't need to know.

Harry: So! Cedric, how is it being dead?

Cedric: Oh, it's okay, tons of hot angels to gawk at - -

Chanta: I'M THE HOSTESS HERE!

Harry: …So?

Hermy: He's the boy who lived.

Chanta: And the boy that can shove his wand- -

Harry: -stands up on the couch- In the name of all things good, I will kill Voldemort! Oh, and take over this talk show.

Chanta: WHAT!?

Selene: -pulls out a gun- Don't make me turn you into the boy who got shot, Harry!!

Snape: -goes on crying and muttering 'it wouldn't stop! Over and over and over and over and over!!'-

Ron: Am I like…not here!? ASK ME QUESTIONS TOO! It's always Harry this and Harry that! I'M the sidekick! I'm important too you know!!

Selene:

Chanta: Keep telling yourself that, Ron. –tackles Harry to the ground-

Harry: Get off me! – pulls his wand out of his pocket- Sectu- -

Chanta: -stomps on his head-

Harry: -unconscious- x.x

Chanta: You want a question, Ron? Okay! How the hell did you wind up with such a crazy-ass friend?!

Hermy: Harry's not crazy, he's just- -

Cedric: A certifiable nut!

Hermy: -takes out her wand- Don't make me scar that pretty face.

Cedric: Bring it on, sista!

Harry: -mutters- They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

Ron: Tell you the truth….I didn't have any friends until Harry. No one wanted to talk to me! The nights were harsh and the winters cold. I didn't have anyone to love me. Everyone needs a friend! Everyone needs someone to love…

Selene: Oh that's so sad…Let me play you a song on the world's smallest violin. –rubs her fingers together and a violin song plays-

Ron: -sniffs- Thank you for your kindness… would you be my girl?

Selene: x.x No!!!

Various audience members: I'll be your girl! No, me!

Chanta: This is making me sick.

-meanwhile, Hermy and Cedric are duking it out, wand, tooth, nail and fist-

Draco: -walks in- Hey, sorry I'm late.

Draco!! OMG! –applaudstampcheerclapwolfwhistlestormthe stage-

Chanta: O.O –watches the stampeding audience- MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN FOR THEMSELVES! –runs like hell-

Draco: .' I would have come sooner but my car magically broke down and I had to fly! –magic wind blows against Draco so that his hair blows back like a movie star-

Selene: O.o …Ok then! Take a seat, Draky!

Draco: -sits in a chair, flashing smiles around-

Selene: I have a question for Harry! Are you really gay?!? .

Harry: Gah! OO'

Chanta: I wanna hear this…

Hermy and Cedric: -not a word-

Harry: …Well…I suppose you may as well know…

Snape: I KNEW IT!!!

Flu: I waz wondering why eh never kizzed me!

Draco: And that's why he always watched me rub oil over my abs… -nodnod-

Harry: I'M BI, YOU RETARDS! XO

Cho: -walks in- I am sorry father, for I have sinned! I have come to confess so that I may be allowed in the house of god!

Selene: …Erm…Cho? You do know this is isn't a church, right?

Draco: -whispers- She's been confessing a lot since Diggory died. She's so traumatized she never knows where she is!

Selene: Oooh! Likes like we can get some easy info, eh, Chanta?

Chanta: -sly- Yes. –walks to Cho and puts an arm around her shoulders- Tell me all, my child, and absolution will be granted you.

Cho: I am afraid that I have been a false father! I am not who everyone thinks I am! –she drops to her knees- My name is not really Cho Chang!

Selene: -gaspy-

Chanta: -- -mutters- That it? –speaking- Tell me more, my child.

Cho: My….name…is… -she tears off her face and the crowd gasps at who it is- MICHAEL JACKSON!! –cries- And I'm not really a girl!

Selene: No duh…

Chanta: -going to strangle Lexi- You must be blessed! Turn on a lighter by that little spout on the ceiling.

Draco: -is speechless-

Selene: …Moving on… So Harry! How do you feel knowing you almost had sex with a guy? .

Draco: Are you always so chipper when you ask disturbing questions? Oo

Selene: Yep!!

Harry: -had been staring at Draco- Huh?

Chanta: -climbs on a chair and flicks on a lighter, activating the sprinklers- MAY THE MERCY OF THE LORD OUR GOD BE UPON YOU ALL! AAAAAMEEEEEN!

Selene: …And my Nakago have his way with thee!! –nodnod-

Draco: I'M NOT BI!! STOP STARING AT ME!!

Ron: Harry… will you be my girl? Er…boy?

Harry: … --------------------------------------

Selene: I think Harry died. – pokes him with a stick-

Snape: You killed Harry!

Ron: You bastard!

Chanta: I should be calling you that, you killed him!

Harry: -twitch-

Chanta: -pokes-

Harry: -snaps out of it- Give me a huge ring and I'll be your guy!

Hermy: WHAT? Oh, we're 'bout to fight here, Harry!

Ron: -kneels before Harry and holds out a huge diamond ring- Harry…we have been friend for years but I've wanted so much more. I guess what I'm trying to say is… Harry James Potter, will you marry me?

Selene: Awwwwww. . Cute!

Draco: …Disturbing…

Chanta: -hyperventilate-

Harry: -jumps up and down like a schoolgirl- Oh, yes, Ron! Yes, I'll marry you!

Hermy: -grabs Chanta's lighter and sets Harry's hair on fire-

Harry: -runs around screaming-

Selene: Looks like someone's a bit…

Draco: -taking Hermione's hand and gives a sexy smile- I like your style, Granger. I never noticed, but you have a beautiful temper… -kisses her hand-

Selene: Ewwww….barf…

Ron: -puts out Harry's hair- My love! Are you all right?

Snape: NO FAIR!! I wanted to have Harry! Instead, I have to have Fleur's baby!!!

Selene: You're pregnant? But you're a guy…

Snape: I know.

Cho: Intercourse before marriage is wrong…

Chanta: O.O Holy shit… MPREG.

Hermy: -smiles- Why thank you, Draco.

Harry: -clings to Ron- It was so hot! Everything burning…burning!

Hermy: And I never noticed how…incredibly gorgeous you are…

Draco: Yes…thank you. –stares into Hermy's eyes-

Ron: -kisses away Harry's tears- It's alright my love! I'm here! Everything will be just fine!

Cho: How sweet…may I attend the weeding? ((Lexi didn't know how to spell 'wedding', so she added an 'e' and dropped a 'd'.))

Selene: …..HERMY GET **AWAY** FROM DRACO!!! –grabs a gun-

Cho: I just love weedings…

Snape: I was thinking of Snape Jr. or James II for a boy and maybe Lily or Tonks II for a girl… -rubs his stomach lovingly-

Selena: I'ma be sick… XP

Chanta: -twitch-

Cedric: -blink- CHO! My darling! –runs to Cho- Hey, you're not Cho…. The perm grew out of your hair.

Harry: -sobs like a baby-

Chanta: -grabs a club and knocks it upside Snape's head, but all the grease in his hair repells it- Ohmyghawd…

Harmy: -grabs an AK and points it at Selene-

Cho: I took the perm out!

Selene: How…wonderful… -twitch- Happy Lene 'bout….to…KILL!!

Draco: Oh, Hermione! Let us fly far away from here! –sings- I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid.

Ron: -sings to Harry- Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?

Cedric: …

Harmy: Bring it on! –looks at Draco- Um…

Harry: -sings- A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view!

Selene: Hakuna matata! 8D

Harry: --

Harmy: --

Cedric: --

Chanta: '

Selene: -is chipper again- So, Harry!! When's the 'weeding' or is there a law in the magick world saying a wizard can't marry a wizard?

Ron: Damnit I forgot about that…

Draco: Oh that is hilarious!! –laughs- Sucks to be you, though. Sorry about that.

Harry: No you're not. Xx

Chanta: Go to Massachusetts!

Harry: That's a great idea!

Selene: But…isn't every wizard related somehow?

Ron: Dad did say he was James Potter's second cousin five times removed on his mother's father's brother's side…

Draco and Selene: INCEST!!

Chanta: That's the purebloods, dummy!

Harry: And I'm muggle-born!

Chanta: And Ron's a pureblood so everything's cool.

Cedric: v.v Damn.

Hermy: Double damn. ;.;

Selene: Correction Harry, you're a HALF-BLOOD baka…don't even know your own blood!!

Draco: I know! –waves his hand around- I'M PURE BLOOD!!

Selene: And since Harry is still related to Ron cuz he's half blood, they're half cousins six times removed on his father's brother's… -goes on-

Chanta: -tightly covers Selene's mouth- But since they're half cousins, it's all good.

Harry: -kisses Ron passionately- Hear that, my love? We can be together!

Harmy: -mumbles something and sneaks backstage-

Cedric: -sits on the edge of the stage and sings something from 'Cats'- The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat!

Selene: -bites Chanta's hand and sits next to Cedric- So…must suck being dead…I have a question for Draco Malfoy!

Draco: Isn't this talk show over yet?

Selene: …I dunno?

Chanta: Just answer the question!

Harry: -is making out with Ron behind the curtain-

Selene: Draco…did you ever thing of being a prostitute? You know you would make a lot of money!

Draco: O.O' A...a... p... pro... prostitute?!?!?!

Selene: Yep, a prostitute! .

Chanta: Yeah! A man-whore!

Harry: -hears that and peers out from behind the curtain- I need to hear this.

Cedric: -raises his hand and silences the audience-

Harmy: -doing unknown things backstage-

Draco: Well, um…maybe once…I mean I had lessons and stuff, but um…

Selene: What about a stripper?

Draco: …Maybe…

Selene: How 'bout a strip show? -holds up a bunch of singles-

Chanta: -holds up a five- C'mon, baby! Take-it-off! Take-it-off!

Cedric: -trauma-

Harry: -torn-

Draco: -stands up and slowly removes his shirt to the song of 'Yeah' by Usher, his 8 pack gleaming with fresh sweat and he strikes a pose-

Selene: WHOOT!! WHOOT!!

Chanta: -slips the five into his waistband- There's a pole over there! – points to a conveniently placed pole stage left-

Draco: -goes over to the pole and starts dancing with it-

Selene: -throws bills at him- I LOVE MY JOB!!!!

Snape: -mutters about how his figure is now gone-

Ron: -glares at Draco- Trying to hit on my guy by stripping?! –runs up and tackles Draco to the ground, kicking and punching him-

Draco: HEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!

Chanta: -tackles Ron and bites him on the ear-

Harry: Ron! Chanta! –runs toward Ron and falls to the ground, a dart sticking from the side of his neck-

_In the background, the sound of Hermy's cackling can be heard._

Chanta: -dives to the ground to avoid any other darts-

Selene: Chanta!! –helps her up and looks at Harry- Is he…dead? –kicks him-

Ron: MY LOVE!! –falls to the ground next to Harry and starts crying- I'll never forget you my love!!

Selene: Wait…if Harry's dead…who'll kill Lord V?

-dramatic music and Lord V appears-

Lord V: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Selene: AH STUFF IT!!

Lord V: …Sorry. o.o'

Chanta: Ding-dong the wizard's dead! o -ahem- Anyway, that's our show for today! If we haven't broken every Broadcast Code in the book, tune in next time for…

Audience and Chanta: GET THE CHARACTERS RIGHT!

Nice young men in their clean white coats: -drags off Ron-

Selene: Bye-bye, now! .

Theme song starts to play: Do, do, do we can take a little magic for pleasure, anyone we want! Take a little magic for pleasure, that's where it all starts! Get the characters, get the characters right!

Selene: Mata ne!


End file.
